Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sorry my hands just texted you
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
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Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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