We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
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Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
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Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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