He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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