Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
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Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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