It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
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I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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