And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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