god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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