need another drink. this is the easiest way
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
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we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
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"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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