Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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