I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
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I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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