you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
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It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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