he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
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We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
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He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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