now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
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I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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