at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
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I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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