I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
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I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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