he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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