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Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
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