How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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