I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
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Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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