I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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