yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
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Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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