I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
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Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
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Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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