i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
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tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
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In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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