How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
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Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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