Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
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You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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