someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Dignity is for republicans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize