i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
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I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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