He felt like a one man threesome
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
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i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
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How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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