I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
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Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
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My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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