Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
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the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
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I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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