I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
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We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
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60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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