I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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