you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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