sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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