there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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