THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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