I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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