"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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