She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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