Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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