I just cut my nipple shaving
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She just used a chaser for red wine.
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I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
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When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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