I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
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how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
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