I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
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you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
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Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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