I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
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Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
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Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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