Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
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I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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