whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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