She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize