i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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