you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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