I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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