i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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